squabbling over an inheritance?

my retriever, bobby, who left us without an inheritance, but only sweet memories....

My father wanted to die at home and he was clear on that point. After he passed away, he left a bank account with some money for us to settle his funeral arrangements, including footing the bill for his own coffin! I think that was remarkable of him. He is known to be a man of principles and he taught me this “Nothing is free in this world; you have to work for it!” Believe it or not, I took this “mantra” seriously and I worked hard to be where I am today.

The blessings and miseries of families are not limited to holiday gatherings,  celebrations, graduations and weddings. They certainly exist at the period where a family member undergoes a transition from illness to death and of course the aftermath!  Family squabbles after someone dies are quite common among Asian families and the fights are not just about money alone. There are fights and quarrels over issues of care giving, over being treated unfairly, over memories, over being slighted, over who should be calling the shots and over almost everything! Things get more complicated when you have in-laws chipping in their thoughts and opinions!

When a person passes away, his or her money and belongings will only have three possible destinations, i.e his/her heirs, to charity or to the government (if there are no claims)! Traditional and modest Asian families usually do away with wills, or they rather spend on other things than spending on writing a will! “Only rich people do a will”, that’s what the old ones used to say. By the time they reach 70-80, they would have transferred the ownership of their hard-earned house or assets to their heir of choice, usually the sons. Daughters barely stand a chance to claim ownership! Anyway, things will get even more complicated if the one and only asset has to be shared by a couple of siblings! For those lucky ones where the deceased left a will, someone will be fighting over it somehow! So, it is all not that rosy. Heard the saying “when there is a will, there will be a war”?

Reasons for family squabbles

1.     Lack of communication

One possible reason for family squabbles after someone dies is the fact that the deceased never discussed their intentions with their family members or potential heirs. Thus, the contents of the will may come as a shock to them who may misinterpret the deceased's intentions and take omissions personally. Disappointment and jealousy eventually tear family apart.

Personally, I think it is important to let family members know what is in the will, as this will eliminates the element of surprise and family members can gather and discuss. Those who were not named should go home and do some reflection instead! If they are not satisfied with the given reasons, they can always renegotiate. If one feels one heir should receive more than another, that wish needs to be articulated in the planning. I think stating these wishes before one dies (the why, the how, the how much) and letting everybody know how one feels isn’t cruel at all. It helps prevent in-fighting later. This is also a testing time to see family members’ true colours!

Chinese New year or any other holiday seasons are not only the perfect time for families to strengthen bonds, it is an excellent time to discuss our wishes if we become ill, permanently disabled or even after we die!

2.    The perception of “fairness”

Although in some cases, where the deceased have laid down a legally sound will that clearly stated how they want their estate divided, siblings bickering still happens. A perceived unfairness – the “why-her/him-and-not-me?” question - is a common reason why siblings squabble over the issue of inheritance. Sentimental items from the deceased can be a big issue. Why mum’s bracelet was given to her? Why dad’s treasure chest was kept by him? Why mum’s favourite and expensive pressure cooker was brought into her home? In the past, family photos were a big issue, a problem that has since been eliminated by digital photography!

  It is quite unfortunate that different people have different perspectives on what is fair.  In the mind of a financially poorer sibling, a bigger portion of the inheritance should be given to her/him, and that’s being fair. Unfortunately, this will not be fair to the richer ones who have contributed in all ways, and being the poorer ones; they are usually the last ones to offer assistance. Are sons superior to daughters? Why are sons left with inheritance and nothing for the daughters? She did not take care of mum when she was alive, why was she given a cut of the wealth? I took care of him for 2 years, why was the bigger portion given to someone who failed to carry out their responsibility? So, what is fair?

Frankly, I think the deceased maintain full rights to give whatever and to whoever he wants; no further questions. To prevent bickering, details of his/her wishes have to be written down or conveyed clearly, unfortunately. 

3.    A false sense of entitlement

Each sibling/family member indefinitely strives to achieve his or her own means to the end, when it comes to inheritance.  And it's further complicated by adult children who feel entitled to their parent’s money and belongings.  A Geropsychology expert thinks that entitlement is a result of a money-obsessed culture. He mentioned that maximizing one’s financial position is a primary motivator and the opportunity to obtain money usually overrides ethical behaviour!  Some people may have lived their lives under the false assumption that their inheritance will fund their retirement or their children’s education plans! I guess they have conveniently forgotten their core responsibilities towards their parents. Shouldn’t we try to be caring and provide for our parents instead (despite their wealth)? And not eyeing their estate and belongings?

I may sound naive though. I guess the mantra “Nothing is free in this world; you have to work for it!” can be used to educate our own children from the beginning before it is too late.

4.     Lack of trust

Lack of trust among siblings, feeling of resentment, concern whether things were done in everyone’s best interests, questioning motives and actions often disrupt the family dynamics and makes the squabbling harder to bear. Being trustworthy in the 1^st place is crucial to gain trust from others. Harbouring ill thoughts and bad intentions are definitely recipes for disaster!

When I face the harsh reality of this diagnosis and the prospects of having to leave this world at an unstipulated time, I wasted no time in making a will and I have made it clear of my intentions and my wishes. Peace.

Acceptance and Mindfulness

Near the end of its life, a bromeliad plant may produce an inflorescence or flower, so beautiful, you can't believe the plant is actually dying......

 

In times of challenges like this, preaching others to stay strong is an oxymoron! How can one stay and pretend to be strong when there is no other choice? If you are good at faking, you can stay or pretend to be strong. However, if u cannot live up to people's expectations, then break down as you like it, but don't forget to bounce back!

Unfortunately, breaking down too often due to sadness will not help much in coping with the diagnosis and treatment. Feeling miserable and depressed will not only affect your emotional and physical health, it will make your loved one's life miserable! Do you want your husband, your boyfriend, your kids, your mum, dad and siblings feel miserable for you? Nope, that will be the last thing we want to do. Having a loved one diagnosed with a terminal disease is already hard to bear, what more having to live with them, and hearing their cries, sobs of despair and tantrums! So, give them a break. We need their support, thus, we need to make sure they are in both emotionally and physically fit condition!

The first step towards recovery is to have acceptance, accept the present condition, accept that you can do something about it and you can take appropriate actions, accept that you have tried your best, accept that our loved ones do not have to suffer like we do! 

In my opinion, when there is acceptance, one tend to remain calm, composed and realistic. Sadness can be balanced up by not thinking too much (of the future) but by being mindful and living each day as it comes. Stop and smell the roses, feel the rough stones beneath your feet, feel the cool breeze blowing your face, touch the face of your loved ones and see how perfect they are, send little notes to those you care, work on your pending assignments, cook a nice meal and taste each bite with gratitude! 

When we are mindful, we live in the present, we hear the sounds of our breathing, and we feel the sensations of our skin, we live each day as it comes. We really do not have time to feel sad and brood over things we cannot control!

Radiotherapy and my diary entries!

The room where the Linac machine is located

                                                 















 

The control room

                                     

The second stage of the breast cancer treatment was a daily course of radiotherapy to the affected breast for a total of 20 sessions over a 4-week period. Well, I survived!  Not without a scratch though… at this moment, my skin began to show signs of healing and I am getting more comfortable every day! I was also prescribed Tamoxifen 20 mg tablet daily, started about a month ago (which I am going to rant about in my other postings).

Radiotherapy is a critical component of treatment for the majority of women with breast cancer, particularly those who receive breast conserving surgery (me included). My present oncologist is also a qualified radiation oncologist, so I have no complaints. I trust that my oncologist will do the best for me.

“Good morning!”, as usual, his cheerful smile and warm greetings, “How are you?”. “ I am fine but I have a few things to report…..I am consistently having blurred vision for the past few weeks…” . I looked at him and he said. “Oh don’t worry, it will go off, but will take some time, most probably the lingering side effects of chemotherapy (Taxotere), why don’t you take Neurobion daily, it will help with the nerves…”  I reckoned he got it right, in addition to the blurred vision; I often wake up with numb hands, all these are signs of chemotherapy-induced neuropathy.

“I have another concern, I appeared to have sailed through chemotherapy quite easily, you know….my eyebrow and lashes are still intact and my blood cells recovered so well without the white blood cell booster, are these signs telling me that I am not responding to the treatment??” I knew I sounded stupid, but I was curious. “Nah, you are totally normal, as not everybody will experience the same side effects!”  I was relieved.

During the consultation session, we discussed the radiotherapy plans and he assured me that I won’t be having nausea or any side effects that will render me sick or weak (like chemotherapy!). The good news was that I should be able to drive and I won’t need anybody to accompany me during the sessions! Oh yes, I was also prescribed some Aloe Vera-based cream to apply  at the treatment areas at least twice a day.

After the consultation session, I was brought to the radiotherapy facility in the same morning.  I went through a CT planning scan. For the simulation session, some tattoo marks, which felt like needle pricks, were made on my skin to identify the treatment areas.  I was told to come back later for the radiation session, as the doctor have to calculate the radiation doses and determine the exact treatment area. Meanwhile, I was also given a crash course on dos and don’ts on the radiated skin. No soap, no cream (except prescribed by the doctor), no this and that….

After waited for a few hours, I was called to enter the treatment room, where the linear accelerator or Linac is located. During radiation treatment, I was asked to lie very still on the treatment table while the radiotherapists determined the alignment and position of the machine.

As far as I remembered, the machine rotated up to 3 location/angles and at each location, the radiation beam was delivered.  The radiotherapists will not be in the room during the treatment, which was the scary part. They monitored the treatment via a video camera and an audio connection with the treatment room.  When the radiation beam was given, I didn’t feel a single thing, neither heat nor sensation! The three angle radiation completed within 2-3 minutes! Later, the radiotherapist told me that the radiation area spans from under my left armpit to the affected breast and across the left side of my chest and shoulders, Hmm….quite a large area there!

Thus for the next few sessions I would be hanging around the hospital as early as 7.15 am and get it all done by 8.30-8,45 am. The ladies or rather the radiotherapists were friendly and very nice to everybody! The whole process was convenient, no hassle and I felt absolutely fine for the first 10 sessions. My daily diary entry was reduced to nothing!  

Unsurprisingly, by early of week 3, I began to develop a lump in my throat. It was irritating but somehow it disappeared after a few days.  I also noticed  redness around the treatment area. By early of week 4, I could see significant colour change and swelling, especially around the nipple. In addition, breast pain (not all the time though) and some days, the discomfort caused sleeplessness.

After I completed 15 sessions, I was called to the doctor’s office again for checking. He looked at the treatment area and said “Hmm...this is interesting…, but no worries, your skin will heal and the darkened area will return to normal eventually.” He took a marker pen and drew a heavy dotted line across the area and said, “For the next 5 sessions, the radiation will focus on the tumor and surgery site.” I looked at the red pen marks on my skin, rolled my eyes, stared at him for seconds which reduced to a simple nod and went straight to the radiotherapist room, counting my days...

By end of week 4, the swelling, itchiness and skin colour became worse, and I was prescribed fucidin cream (I bought another version with hydrocortisone). Anyway, 2 weeks after the last radiation session, I could see great improvement, no more pain or soreness. Darkened skin began peeling, revealing a nice colour underneath.  Nowadays I use Cetaphil moisturizing cream and it works equally well.

I was to see the doctor again in 3 months. Really looking forward to see the cheerful and charming doctor!

Just a note, throughout the radiotherapy sessions, I ate as normally as I could (minus the heavy carbs), I exercise and carried out routine work. The best part was that I managed to lose 2 kilos so far. My aim will be to reach my pre-chemotherapy weight in another 6 months, slow and steady. I still take my cactus extract drink, beet root juice etc. routinely. Although I felt tired at times, eg tend to sleep before 10 pm and waking up at wee hours in the morning, I think I have regained most of my energy back and I am good.  I attended my student’s viva voce a few days ago and I was glad she passed with flying colours, what a blessing!

I recently got to know a friend, who has been my frequent exercise and lunch buddy. We have a lot in common and I count this as another blessing! 

Moving forward, with gratitude and mindfulness.