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| my retriever, bobby, who left us without an inheritance, but only sweet memories.... |
My father wanted to die at home and he was
clear on that point. After he passed away, he left a bank account with some money
for us to settle his funeral arrangements, including footing the bill for his
own coffin! I think that was remarkable of him. He is known to be a man of
principles and he taught me this “Nothing is free in this world; you have to
work for it!” Believe it or not, I took this “mantra” seriously and I worked
hard to be where I am today.
The blessings and miseries of families are
not limited to holiday gatherings, celebrations, graduations and weddings. They certainly
exist at the period where a family member undergoes a transition from illness
to death and of course the aftermath! Family
squabbles after someone dies are quite common among Asian families and the
fights are not just about money alone. There are fights and quarrels over
issues of care giving, over being treated unfairly, over memories, over being
slighted, over who should be calling the shots and over almost everything!
Things get more complicated when you have in-laws chipping in their thoughts
and opinions!
When a person passes away, his or her money
and belongings will only have three possible destinations, i.e his/her heirs,
to charity or to the government (if there are no claims)! Traditional and
modest Asian families usually do away with wills, or they rather spend on other
things than spending on writing a will! “Only rich people do a will”, that’s
what the old ones used to say. By the time they reach 70-80, they would have
transferred the ownership of their hard-earned house or assets to their heir of
choice, usually the sons. Daughters barely stand a chance to claim ownership!
Anyway, things will get even more complicated if the one and only asset has to
be shared by a couple of siblings! For those lucky ones where the deceased left
a will, someone will be fighting over it somehow! So, it is all not that rosy.
Heard the saying “when there is a will, there will be a war”?
Reasons
for family squabbles
1.
Lack of communication
One possible reason for family squabbles after
someone dies is the fact that the deceased never discussed their intentions
with their family members or potential heirs. Thus, the contents of the will may come as a shock
to them who may misinterpret the deceased's intentions and take omissions
personally. Disappointment and jealousy eventually tear family apart.
Personally, I think it is important to let family
members know what is in the will, as this will eliminates the element of
surprise and family members can gather and discuss. Those who were not named should
go home and do some reflection instead! If they are not satisfied with the
given reasons, they can always renegotiate. If one feels one heir should
receive more than another, that wish needs to be articulated in the planning. I
think stating these wishes before one dies (the why, the how, the how much) and
letting everybody know how one feels isn’t cruel at all. It helps prevent
in-fighting later. This is also a testing time to see family members’ true
colours!
Chinese New year or any other holiday seasons are not
only the perfect time for families to strengthen bonds, it is an excellent time
to discuss our wishes if we become ill, permanently disabled or even after we
die!
2.
The perception of “fairness”
Although in some cases, where the deceased have
laid down a legally sound will that clearly stated how they want their estate divided,
siblings bickering still happens. A perceived unfairness – the
“why-her/him-and-not-me?” question - is a common reason why siblings squabble
over the issue of inheritance. Sentimental items from the deceased can be a big
issue. Why mum’s bracelet was given to her? Why dad’s treasure chest was kept
by him? Why mum’s favourite and expensive pressure cooker was brought into her
home? In the past, family photos were a big issue, a problem that has since
been eliminated by digital photography!
It is
quite unfortunate that different people have different perspectives on what is
fair. In the mind of a financially
poorer sibling, a bigger portion of the inheritance should be given to her/him,
and that’s being fair. Unfortunately, this will not be fair to the richer ones
who have contributed in all ways, and being the poorer ones; they are usually
the last ones to offer assistance. Are sons superior to daughters? Why are sons left with inheritance and nothing for the daughters? She did not take care of
mum when she was alive, why was she given a cut of the wealth? I took care of
him for 2 years, why was the bigger portion given to someone who failed to
carry out their responsibility? So, what is fair?
Frankly, I think the deceased maintain full rights
to give whatever and to whoever he wants; no further questions. To prevent
bickering, details of his/her wishes have to be written down or conveyed
clearly, unfortunately.
3.
A false sense of
entitlement
Each sibling/family member indefinitely strives to
achieve his or her own means to the end, when it comes to inheritance. And it's further complicated by adult
children who feel entitled to their parent’s money and belongings. A Geropsychology expert thinks that
entitlement is a result of a money-obsessed culture. He mentioned that
maximizing one’s financial position is a primary motivator and the opportunity
to obtain money usually overrides ethical behaviour! Some people may have lived their lives under
the false assumption that their inheritance will fund their retirement or their
children’s education plans! I guess they have conveniently forgotten their core
responsibilities towards their parents. Shouldn’t we try to be caring and
provide for our parents instead (despite their wealth)? And not eyeing their
estate and belongings?
I may sound naive though. I guess the mantra
“Nothing is free in this world; you have to work for it!” can be used to
educate our own children from the beginning before it is too late.
4.
Lack of trust
Lack of trust among siblings, feeling of
resentment, concern whether things were done in everyone’s best interests, questioning motives and actions often disrupt the family dynamics and makes the squabbling
harder to bear. Being trustworthy in the 1st place is crucial to
gain trust from others. Harbouring ill thoughts and bad intentions are definitely recipes
for disaster!
When I face the
harsh reality of this diagnosis and the prospects of having to leave this world
at an unstipulated time, I wasted no time in making a will and I have made it
clear of my intentions and my wishes. Peace.
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